A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
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I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean