Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
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Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
Karate chopping hand holding couples’ hands apart at the mall
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
To me, God will always be that guy that could’ve made Pokemon or Star Wars real but instead was all like, “Nah bruh, malaria and AIDS.”