*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
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I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good