@fro_vo

*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*

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@SortaBad

Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’

@jazmasta

*starts petting a random dog in the park when I see my ex dog walking past*

@Gre_Gone

Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?

@aka_fatman

Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.

Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.

Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.

@FirecrackerKatt

The men of twitter would get such a better rate of response if they sent unsolicited Pizza Pics.

@TheClingyGF

If you’re not cheating on me, then why won’t you let me install surveillance cameras in your house.

@mom_tho

Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do it

Requesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it

@AndrewNadeau0

{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.

@MikeBigby

u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad