*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*

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Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’


*starts petting a random dog in the park when I see my ex dog walking past*


Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?


Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.

Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.

Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.


The men of twitter would get such a better rate of response if they sent unsolicited Pizza Pics.


If you’re not cheating on me, then why won’t you let me install surveillance cameras in your house.


Saying wash your hands
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do it

Requesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it


{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.


u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad