@fro_vo

*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*

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@DeadLioness

In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.

@TheRohiniReddy

I want to have kids before my parents are too old to be able to take care of them.

@TheBoydP

I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.

@lollyadefope

ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimme

wikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO

@AimeeHelene1

I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.

@NotTodayEric

Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.

@3sunzzz

My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.

@iwearaonesie

[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*

@ClichedOut

School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph