@jjhartinger

A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.

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@audipenny

I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride

@recursivetaco

have all the brands stopped pretending they’re people? It’s safe to assume Hot Pockets isn’t going to announce it has covid19 tomorrow?

@MartaEffing

*leaning seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*

Me: how much for the entire case?
Donut shop clerk: ma’am, $8.99 a dozen

@Victoryoftheppl

Apple Maps: Our artisanal cartographers hope you enjoy this pleasant journey. 28 min

Google Maps: Our algorithm has determined an optimal path for the most efficient route given current traffic conditions. 25 min

Waze: Drive through this dude’s living room. 17 min

@jimmy_sharpe

Sometimes you’ve got to ask yourself: ‘Why am I talking to myself?’

@KKBowls

“I dropped the ball”

– things you never wanna hear during a Vasectomy

@JermHimselfish

*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*

@Shen_the_Bird

date: i’m very level-headed

me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too

@AnkCoupleTO

Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic

[3 months later]

Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time