A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
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Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.