@BoomBoomBetty

A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.

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@Carbosly

That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”

@robfee

Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.

@TommyKarate

Thank you for calling. To speak with a human being, please hang up and travel back to the early 1990’s.

@gojarbe

*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that

@MKupperman

Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?

@Thynebear

Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good

@Paxochka

I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.

@Marlebean

I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.

@mydmac

I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.