A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
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…żyje?
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.