A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
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Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE