@danjan13

A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.

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@AmishPornStar1

Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.

@vxlk

All dates are ‘blind dates.’

The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.

@maebemarbles

*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER

@pharmasean

“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice

@TheDairylandDon

Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron

@fillthevacuum

Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.

@Vivalazoso

The only thing keeping me from cutting eye holes in a newspaper to spy on people in the coffee shop is my constant lack of scissors.

@TheAlexNevil

Sometimes you meet someone and know instantly how much you regret leaving your home.

@UnFitz

I’ve been towing this guy around by a rope for years. When is he going to learn to do this by himself?

– dogs, maybe