[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
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Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
A dead goose is called a ghoost
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.