@ibid78

A three hour long movie adaptation of pages 74 and 75 of the Hobbit? Friggin count me in.

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@HenpeckedHal

My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.

@MichaelTrying

I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.

@MK_Shenanigans

I forgot FB was not Twitter & posted something ultra dirty.

Now I have to avoid my granndma, change my hair color & leave the state.

@ehdannyboy

Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: I’m way tougher than you.

Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.

Me: So?

Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.

@KattsDogma

me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this

my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired

@JKNenagh

7: Dad what does this word mean

Me: Bring me a dictionary

*Smack up side the head

Me: Now go google that shit

@pinningnut

“You can be the ripest, juiciest peach in the world, there’s still going to be somebody who hates peaches”

@PrestoVision

hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner

hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail