My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
A three hour long movie adaptation of pages 74 and 75 of the Hobbit? Friggin count me in.
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I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
I forgot FB was not Twitter & posted something ultra dirty.
Now I have to avoid my granndma, change my hair color & leave the state.
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
“You can be the ripest, juiciest peach in the world, there’s still going to be somebody who hates peaches”
Everyone needs a backup man.
My husband: plan. The word is plan
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail