A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
You Might Also Like
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
“what that mouth do?” complain
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
The Others (2001)
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
[first 2 hours of meeting]
Coworker:
[last 2 minutes of meeting]
Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️