me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
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*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.