A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
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I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
Only a mother’s love …
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.