a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
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My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
A collection of me turning into random objects.
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
Me too 😆
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt