@Poutymcgee
@BoogTweets
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
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@BoogTweets
@BonaFideIntent
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
@sixfootcandy
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
@CulturedRuffian
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
@ClaytonSykes
Judge: Your client says he’s mentally fit to stand trial correct?Lawyer: Yes, your honor.Judge: Then can you tell him to get out of my seat?
@Eightinchgoat
Sorry I tried to strengthen my immune system by asking your wife to breast feed me.
@aka_fatman
“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”
@andlikelaura
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
@MikeDrucker
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
@ashleyaustrew
You have -4 min to cook. Your ingredients are:
Goldfish
An apple w/ 1 bite out of it
Chicken you didn’t thaw
7 Legos
– Chopped: Moms Edition