@Poutymcgee

A tiny Tarzan swinging from your Tampon string.

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@JanieBoBanie3

I see your eyes lookin me up and down, baby. Mhmm.
Huh? Toilet paper hangin out of my pants?
Oh.

@markedly

My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.

@GrantTanaka

Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]

@briangaar

“Congratulations, the baby’s got green overalls!” Peach sobs. Mario flies into a rage.

@envydatropic

It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.

@omerwahaj

An eskimo sitting in a kayak was chilly. He lit a fire. Unsurprisingly the kayak sank. Moral: You can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

@CherBear162

I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.

@cali_cathy

I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?

@Dustinkcouch

God (inventing humans): hey someone throw a rock at the lizards i have a worse idea

@OMGSoOverIt

(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)

Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.