My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
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I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:
1.) Tortilla chips
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin