@mamabirddiaries

A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.

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@Brampersandon_

TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall

@_sleepysmile

He thought I wore a size two.

A size two?!

I started laughing so hard, I spit out the donut I was eating.

@david8hughes

The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”

@LuckoftheDraw86

In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.

@weinerdog4life

Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.

@CheryeDavis

Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…

@JimmySelfDest

I tripped over the dog a second ago and am hurting a little.Web md has it narrowed down to a sprained uterus or a dislocated cervix. So..

@Not_DeeAnn

Me: Will you miss me?

Him: Only if you run in a zig-zag pattern