A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.

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TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall


He thought I wore a size two.

A size two?!

I started laughing so hard, I spit out the donut I was eating.


The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”


In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.


Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.


Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…


I tripped over the dog a second ago and am hurting a little.Web md has it narrowed down to a sprained uterus or a dislocated cervix. So..


Me: Will you miss me?

Him: Only if you run in a zig-zag pattern