a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
You Might Also Like
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.