A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
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If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
When someone trying to leave me
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
I’m just playing devils avocado here
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught