Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
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Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created