[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]

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When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.


I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.


I have two selves:

One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.


[House Hunters]

*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*


Netflix and chil…dren.

Because letting them watch TV in the morning is the only way I can get a little extra sleep.


“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.


*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*

Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s

*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*

SG- Those aren’t your pants


Google just threw a drink in my face

I deserved it

I have no business asking those questions


Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.