[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]

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Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”

Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?

Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!

Other judge: Security



There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.


I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.


me: where’s the milk?

supermarket clerk: by the eggs

me: no i just want milk


I trust a woman ab as far as I can throw her. Very far. As far as she wants. I’ll do anything plz come back to me *cries into pillow*


(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide


I hate it when the credit card bills come in and I have to have sex with my husband.


We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.