[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
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My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
Care for your back
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts