When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
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I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
Netflix and chil…dren.
Because letting them watch TV in the morning is the only way I can get a little extra sleep.
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*
Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*
SG- Those aren’t your pants
Google just threw a drink in my face
I deserved it
I have no business asking those questions
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.