[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
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We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence9: Yummm! What’s that smell?
Me: Cereal
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?