@NomDeBenoit

A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground

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@LurkAtHomeMom

I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.

@LuckoftheDraw86

Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…

It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.

Amen.

@ArfMeasures

Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you

Me: ok

Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory

Me: oh no

@Jennco_W

Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.

@Johnniemmanuel

If You cannot produce a baby in 1 month by impregnating 9 Women, You’re not a man yet!

@_Enanem_

Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.

@TheToddWilliams

[farm]

SON: *crying*

ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them

SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!

ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him

WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog

@okimstillhungry

I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.

@KalvinMacleod

It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.