A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
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Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
The police never think its as funny as you do.
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.