@NomDeBenoit
@__MikeScott
If Shakira’s hips were in charge, none of this would have happened.
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@__MikeScott
@TheMichaelRock
Shouldn’t Godzilla be fighting Satanzilla?
@zachreinert03
I really hope I don’t wake up tomorrow morning. I don’t want to die, sometime in the afternoon would be nice, or even the next day
@Shot_Of_Cabo
I bet you say that to all the guys…
@NoorShamma
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
@corysnearowski
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
@onbrandbrandonn
The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When Iβm not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time
@Pork_Chop_Hair
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
@TheHyyyype
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
@LittleMissAngr1
Me: *dripping in sweat and covered in scratches* You should see the other guy!
[Camera pans slowly to sports bra crumpled on the floor]