I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
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Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
If You cannot produce a baby in 1 month by impregnating 9 Women, You’re not a man yet!
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
Bill Clinton hiding in the Bushes:
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.