@NomDeBenoit

A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground

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@__MikeScott

If Shakira’s hips were in charge, none of this would have happened.

@zachreinert03

I really hope I don’t wake up tomorrow morning. I don’t want to die, sometime in the afternoon would be nice, or even the next day

@NoorShamma

Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!

@corysnearowski

My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving

@onbrandbrandonn

The 5 Love Languages

Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me

Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe

Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind

Gift Giving: give me a sign

Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time

@Pork_Chop_Hair

7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches

@TheHyyyype

law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class

me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now

@LittleMissAngr1

Me: *dripping in sweat and covered in scratches* You should see the other guy!

[Camera pans slowly to sports bra crumpled on the floor]