@ThatBrenna

A tree house is the biggest insult to a tree. “Here, I killed your friend. Hold him.”

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@Reverend_Scott

Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.

Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY

@calamitydaisy

I feel a burst of superiority when I trick a fly into flying out of my car window.

@TheCiscoKidder

My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.

@teenpuke

*cute person sends me a selfie* *tries 897285623895 times to take a cute selfie to send back to them*

@TheAlexNevil

Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it

Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested

@ln0217

Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better

@dru0887

If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?