Shower sex be like:
A tree house is the biggest insult to a tree. “Here, I killed your friend. Hold him.”
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Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY
I feel a burst of superiority when I trick a fly into flying out of my car window.
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
*cute person sends me a selfie* *tries 897285623895 times to take a cute selfie to send back to them*
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
Do the curtains match the carpet?
*me flirting with bald men
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?