Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
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If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
*wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
*she frowns*
*I smile*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
“Dress.”
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble