We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
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One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
That’s fair
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
Netflix My bladder
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