When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
A tree silently weeping as firemen steal its cat. Again!
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*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
I hate how everybody is acting like they love this new pope so much and they’re such big fans but probably can’t even name 3 of his songs.
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS
YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS
YOU ARE EXPECTED TO SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF
DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
It is tough to do inventories in Afghanistan because of the tally ban.
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.