@Piecezilla

A tree silently weeping as firemen steal its cat. Again!

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@fro_vo

*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco

@truegritrumble

PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*

@aimlessamers

No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.

@robfee

I hate how everybody is acting like they love this new pope so much and they’re such big fans but probably can’t even name 3 of his songs.

@david8hughes

Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.

@LMHPhotog

YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS

YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS

YOU ARE EXPECTED TO SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF

DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.

@iwearaonesie

wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit

@omgthatspunny

It is tough to do inventories in Afghanistan because of the tally ban.