I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
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If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.