@Piecezilla

A tree silently weeping as firemen steal its cat. Again!

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@iwearaonesie

toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise

@just1fool

My daughter asked me how much longer until she can be a grown up and I said, “no.”

@TheBoydP

Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.

@TheNYAMProject

Me: Ugh…where am I?

Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.

M: WHO’S THERE??

*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*

DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.

M: HEEEELP

D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN

@sarcasticmommy4

Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.

@BlTEURTEETH

my boyfriend said “oh my god my cat looks like baby yoda” and i look over and sure enough

@Danny_McH2O

She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.

It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.

@Browtweaten

Me: How much for the snake hamster?

Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret

@thedad

Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit