It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
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I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
yes, those are my real potatoes.
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.