*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
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u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
Put a ring on it
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid