A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
You Might Also Like
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*