A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
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Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not