@WheelTod

A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.

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@fro_vo

[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day

@batkaren

“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom

@cervixsmash

If your iPhone gets wet, try putting it in a bag of dry rice. At night, the rice will attract asians who will fix your electronics for you

@OhNoSheTwitnt

As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose

@WildeThingy

*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.

@ThisCantBRight

I don’t condone workplace violence, until someone microwaves fish in the break room.

@c12h22o11balls

In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button

@fabulouscop

what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings