ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
CLERK: have a nice day
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
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“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
If your iPhone gets wet, try putting it in a bag of dry rice. At night, the rice will attract asians who will fix your electronics for you
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
You should never laminate your kill list.
*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
I don’t condone workplace violence, until someone microwaves fish in the break room.
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings