i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
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BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.