A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.

I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.

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I don’t know why people say bedtime for kids is hard. All I have to do is make sure the room’s exactly 71.3 degrees, give 3 hugs, 1.5 kisses, read 11 bedtime stories, come up with a Broadway musical on the spot, tuck them in, & leave for 5 minutes before bringing them to my bed.


you remember me as the guy who put his arm in the doorway to hold open the automatic door for you in 2009. welll, now i need a favor


Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’


Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.

Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.


I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.


My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.


Him: Can I have your number?

Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.