A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
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I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.