Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
A truck with the slogan “We always go the extra mile” took the last parking spot so I wrote on it “because we missed the exit” as a revenge.
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Drugs are never the answer kids. Unless the question is “why have you been checking under the carpet for lizards for 3 days straight?”
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Not now, kids.
Mommy’s boiling the Easter bunny.
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?