a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt

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“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”


Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.


[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here


Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window


How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?

Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.


Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.

2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.


nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper


I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.