@TheOtherLucille

a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt

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@DanMentos

“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”

@krisv_723

Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.

@david8hughes

[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here

@OfficeofSteve

Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window

@SlappNuttz

How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?

Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

@AlanFelyk

Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.

2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.

@gabbybendel

nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper

@Kimpulses

I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.