A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
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If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
Banderslack Clamberdorch
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.