@dregvader

A tub of margarine fell on my foot 3 weeks ago and it still hurts. I can’t believe it’s not better.

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@hazelmotes1

Our Mexican neighbor made us dinner and it tastes like I committed a grave error in marrying a white girl.

@AlmightyBored

Me: I’m eating for two now.

Him: Oh, are you pregnant?

Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?

@Megatronic13

Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away

Husband: I said I would do it

Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY

Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag

@HatfieldAnne

I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”

@ArfMeasures

ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today

ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE

ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you

@Rollinintheseat

“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.

@wokkax3

Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID

@capnmcfword

People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.

@delusions_of

My arm bone’s connected to my hand bone. My hand bone’s connected to a bacon cheeseburger.

@SaraMansford

Never date a chemist, they seduce you with their magnetism, only call you periodically, then one day: Boom! They Argon.