Our Mexican neighbor made us dinner and it tastes like I committed a grave error in marrying a white girl.
A tub of margarine fell on my foot 3 weeks ago and it still hurts. I can’t believe it’s not better.
You Might Also Like
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
My arm bone’s connected to my hand bone. My hand bone’s connected to a bacon cheeseburger.
Never date a chemist, they seduce you with their magnetism, only call you periodically, then one day: Boom! They Argon.