The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
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8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”