@MrPhetz

A TV weatherman who keeps accidentally calling the anchorwoman mom

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@UniqueDude2

WAITER: Your honor, when I said “enjoy your meal” he said “you too”
ME: it was a mistake
JUDGE: he gets half your meal
W: thanks
J: you too

@TimODee16

Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?

@SyrupTishus_01

A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.

These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.

@truegritrumble

ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.

@marcusparkersol

If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.

@NewDadNotes

Cellmate: what did you do?

Me: robbed a bank.

Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?

Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.

@AimeeHelene1

*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*

Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience

@ThatMummyLife

Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?

Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.

@shkeeber

Accepting a Facebook friend request from someone you follow on twitter is like bringing home your drug dealer to meet your family.