HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
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Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack