@Mish3l_Ali

A Tweet is like a dress; the shorter the hotter.

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@tweetsauce

This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”

@JohnLyonTweets

I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”

@SerialFuckup

Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”

@ThugRaccoons

Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.

Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?

@UncleDuke1969

“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…

– Adam Sandler being handed a script

@doktorj

“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”

I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.

@KalvinMacleod

Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car

@Parkerlawyer

I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”

@zephyrs0phie

My parents moved a lot when I was younger.

My sister and I always managed to track them down though.

@Elizasoul80

They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”