I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
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My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.