7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
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A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
– First day of College
– Dorm meetingDorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.