Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
You Might Also Like
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT