A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
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*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
If you know, you know
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
Important
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs