A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??

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Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.

“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”


Sex is a lot like chess. It takes practice to be good. You have to adapt quickly to your partner’s moves. You’re gonna sacrifice some horses


If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.


[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]

“Take me to your leader”

[30 minutes later]

Me: So, this is my wife…


I just shaved my legs for the first time in 2 weeks so if you will come clean out my tub I won’t judge u for making a beautiful rug


One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.

It didn’t work, unfortunately.

They found us.


Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?

Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.