A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
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“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
Customize Your Wedding.
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately