“A Vegan…like Mr. Spock?”

“No mom…that’s a Vulcan.”

You Might Also Like


My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.


Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..


[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]

[scientist decodes message in the signal]



Dear America

Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.

Many thanks



Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.


I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born


ME: Eat your lemon
ME: It stops scurvy
PIRATE: [folds arms, shuts eye]
ME: [carves tiny skull on lemon]
PIRATE: [opens eye a bit]


*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn

Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”


[touring beyonce’s house]

me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it