My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
“A Vegan…like Mr. Spock?”
“No mom…that’s a Vulcan.”
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Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
ME: Eat your lemon
ME: It stops scurvy
PIRATE: [folds arms, shuts eye]
ME: [carves tiny skull on lemon]
PIRATE: [opens eye a bit]
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it