Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
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It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
There are no pants in heaven.
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer