@MCaparco

“A Vegan…like Mr. Spock?”

“No mom…that’s a Vulcan.”

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@KentWGraham

My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.

@EndhooS

Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..

@AndyAsAdjective

[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]

[scientist decodes message in the signal]

“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”

@urmumsausername

Dear America

Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.

Many thanks

England

@MomOnFire

Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.

@donquixote229

I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born

@joejwest

ME: Eat your lemon
PIRATE: No
ME: It stops scurvy
PIRATE: [folds arms, shuts eye]
ME: [carves tiny skull on lemon]
PIRATE: [opens eye a bit]

@KevinBuffalo

*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn

Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”

@TheHatStore

[touring beyonce’s house]

me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it