A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
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10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen
also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign
also also me: you can both be right!
fourth me: you guys talk too much
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!