A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
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[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
He just like my cat fr
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
where do you see yourself in five years?
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
It has been 3 years since Monday.
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour