Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
You Might Also Like
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
*3.5 thank you very much.
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
A wise man once said nothing.