@Molly_Kats

A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.

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@albo_albert

*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it

@abuya_henry

Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?

Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus package

Me : 🤦🏾‍♂️

Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.

@CodyJP9412

[Petco]

INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real cat person.

ME: *slowly pushes paperwork off desk*

INTERVIEWER: holy shit

@_Justin_Stepien

I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards

@punmagnate

Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss

@IvoryGazelle

*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*

@aissalanis

“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”

-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands

“I’ve been coronated”

-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now

@dire_beard

[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!

@OrangeFact

My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account

@caribbeanaj

Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat