A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.

You Might Also Like


*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it


Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?

Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus package

Me : 🤦🏾‍♂️




INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real cat person.

ME: *slowly pushes paperwork off desk*

INTERVIEWER: holy shit


I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards


Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss


*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*


“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”

-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands

“I’ve been coronated”

-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now


[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!


My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account


Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat