God returns to his desk with lunch. Taking a bite, he looks over at video monitors marked “Earth”. The avocado drops out of his sandwich.
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
You Might Also Like
If you’re feeling sorry for yourself for having to homeschool, spare a thought for your kids.
You’re now their prom date!
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
Okay just listen. A movie about a dancing puppy called Step Pup and its sequel Step Pup 2: the Treats.
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
Hotel beds are often all the proof I need that Satan owns a mattress factory.
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.