Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
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Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
Me : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real cat person.
ME: *slowly pushes paperwork off desk*
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands
“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat