@Molly_Kats

A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.

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@LizHackett

God returns to his desk with lunch. Taking a bite, he looks over at video monitors marked “Earth”. The avocado drops out of his sandwich.

@StewieTea2

If you’re feeling sorry for yourself for having to homeschool, spare a thought for your kids.

You’re now their prom date!

@timdonakowski

I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.

@hollyadkison

Okay just listen. A movie about a dancing puppy called Step Pup and its sequel Step Pup 2: the Treats.

@badbanana

My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.

@kiel_phillips

INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?

ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?

I: About the job

M: What is the company Wi-fi password?

@MarkAFuqua_Hunt

Hotel beds are often all the proof I need that Satan owns a mattress factory.

@Ristolable

HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.

@Marcmywords2

Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.