A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
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What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
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Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.