A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
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when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
The game has officially changed 😎
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?