Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this
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i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.