A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 馃榾
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*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
If Kevin Bacon didn鈥檛 acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I鈥檒l be forever disappointed.
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
There鈥檚 safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don鈥檛 mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
馃槀馃槀馃槀
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea